What My Real Thoughts Are

this whole weekend has just been amazing. but yesterday was awesome, unexpectedly my sister told me she and her boyfriend got their own place for a month, then they have to move out (long story). so she called me and wanted to know if i wanted to go see it, so i went out with them and we went furniture shopping and then to their house, picking up a friend along the way, medas. i met that kid about… gosh, probably almost 2 years ago :o. i remember him though, the first time i ever drank he was there, and he just drove my sister and me around for a while. that was as well an awesome night :) anyway, their house is soo cute! it has 3 bedrooms! 2 people died in the house too :0!! an old woman from age, and a guy named tim hung himself in the garage, he wrote his name in electrical tape thats still one the wall… creepy…

so then, we all went laser tagging, and that was awesome!! i beat them all TWICE. like, and everyone was actually trying! and i still won both rounds!! :) then we went to dicks because they wanted to look at paintballing stuff, and thats when i noticed medas taking longer looks at me :p when they were talking about paintballing, i was like “yeah im in for that!” and he just looks at me and was like “i like you already, youre a trooper” :D

my sister texted me later that night and was like “yeah when we dropped you off, medas asked if you were single” hehe!! hes like 3.5-4 years older than me. some reason, i always attract guys older than me!! when i was 16, i had 2 different 21 year olds want something with me!

i still cant believe how nonstop awesome my days are going by. i just made cookies too for school tomorrow, because ITS MY LAST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL. i just have to make a mousetrap car tonight, and im set for my high school career. tomorrows gonna be so easy, in anatomy were doing nothing, english were ordering pizza, french is food party, and physics were playing with our mousetrap cars. THEN IM FREE!!…almost. thursday at 8 is graduation practice, but hopefully after that im going to the mall with my sister to look for a new bikini top. then later in the day, im going to my friends house to tan and swim.

kaitlyn told me that my graduation present from her is $45 worth to victoria secrets, so imma get a jacket:))))) ahhh this is just so awesome :) and saturday is graduation, sunday is gonna be 94 so im probably going to mikes AGAIN to swim and tan, then monday night im spending the night at kaitlyns new place. annnd i believer were drinking. i hope medas will be there, so im not a third wheel or anything. i wouldnt mind having a little fun with medas either ;)

really  quick about my body, i think im finally starting to make peace with it. ive always loved and accepted my curves, but i just dont think im going to starve myself anymore. i love food too much, and its not like i look bad or anything. wearing my bikini all last weekend made me realize im really not fat, though i never thought i was, but still. yeah, i have a fat lump at the bottom of my stomach, but no ones perfect. im never going to have a flat stomach like models, idk i just accept the way i am right now. i kinda feel like im at the place where people always say “accept yourself for who you are, dont try to change what you look like to what you think others will like, & no one will ever looks like a model in a magazine because theyre so photoshopped”. i just hope that its not like im thinking “oh, i dont’ look bad in a bikini!” but then when others see me they think to themselves “oh, she shouldn’t be wearing that…” i had a mini breakdown to my mom the other day, and pretty much explained that i was scared to wear a bikini in public because im not skinny. she reassured me and made me feel better. but thats just part of being a teenage girl. theres always going to be the doubts in your mind about your body, because in fact no ones body is perfect. i think mine is beautiful, yes, it has flaws, its not very toned, and im not skinny, but i HAVE to look past these to be happy. plus, when i think to myself, A LOT of guys have liked me in the past. so i figure i cant be that bad. also, i do believe that guys tend to go after me more than my friends, including my best friend who is stick skinny with gigantic boobs. idk, i guess theres something special in me that maybe i cant see yet, but im starting to :)

(Source: whatmyrealthoughtsare)

so i lost a pound since yesterday, yay :p

yesterday i had less than 600 calories, without even trying! today, 1600, but i did do an hour of cardio, burning 689 calories :)

ill get there, just gotta get back to it:)

& i suggest to all that you use myfitnesspal app, it tells you everything about what youre eating, and i know if i eat to many carbs one day, a trip to the gym the next is a must!

(Source: whatmyrealthoughtsare)

So, i decided to weight myself this morning, because i havent in a long time and i thought id just get it over with. 169. im so ashamed. like idek what to do. thats 2 pounds higher than what i originally started with :( idk how it got like this, but it depresses the hell out of me.

i fucking hate the day where i slipped, because that day i never got back on my diet. if i were still doing it, id be happy and skinny right now. but i have to restart. all over again. and it really does disgust me.

people told me that if i starve myself, ill only gain weight back in the end.

fuck that.

this is what happens. If i starve myself for 3-4 days, i loose 5 pounds, and when i eat again, i gain 2. so its a net of -3, which i could be happy about. i didnt gain this weight back by doing this. i gained it back by being a disgusting pig and never stopping eating.

fuuuuuck what am i suppose to do now?? summer is here and i gotta go to the beach and tanning and stuff :( people are gonna see me with my belly ring and thing to themselves “fat girls shouldnt have belly rings” fuck. what do i do now? :(

(Source: whatmyrealthoughtsare)

indefinably:

I would uhm really enjoy this. 

(Source: cuddles-the-dementroll)